THE OLD BRIAN EMERGES

Friday, August 04, 2006

After a few days of phone calls and emails, he finally dropped the bomb. He tells me they are coming to our house first to visit for a few day (which is fine), they would then take a bus to Joplin and stay for a few days with friends of his girlfriend, and they would drive them to Kansas from there. BUT, (Oh, there's always a 'but'!) could we buy the bus tickets to get here and he would have his work place mail his last check to our house and would pay us back when it came. How stupid do I look? If he were to pay us back out of his final check, how are they going to buy tickets to Joplin? Plus, he first said they were only staying 2 days, now he tells me it will take 2 weeks for the check to get here. I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT!!!!

I emailed him this: "I don't understand why you are so broke. You said you had a good job, why haven't you put any money back if you knew you wanted to leave. The only credit cards I have left are for Target, Home Depot and Lowe's. Since neither one of us work anymore we live on a very limited amount of money; a lot less than we had when we worked, and all our money is going for bills for the remodeling. I guess what we are what is called "cash poor". Maybe you could put off the trip for one more week until you get the money. That would work, wouldn't it? Love,Mom"

His reply: "well it took 3 weeks to get 1st check that money went to them all of it the next check all but 30 dollars went to me 500 a month to live here we are only going on our 3rd month the 1st 3 weeks i didn't have to work they wanted to let us get accustomed to Atlanta today's check was only my 3rd one? any way ill pay full price next payday so we can leave on schedule thanks any way ,maybe if i was Shelley i could get some help...."

That did it, I blew a fuse and sent off the following: "Maybe if you were Shelley????? That was a rotten thing to say. All your life all I've ever heard from you is how I loved everyone but you. That is so bullshit! You left Kansas and were gone for four years, not one word from you until the people in Minnesota got tired of supporting you and then you call us up and claim everyone treats you so bad, you've got to get out of there, you want to come home, you'll change, etc...... I bought your ticket that time on the condition you pay us back and when the time came you didn't want to pay us, I had to practically take the money from you. This time, same basic story. You disappear for three years, want nothing to do with me and all of a sudden, when you feel that the people you are living with are treating you bad, you call and try the same thing.You are my son. I love you. Nothing will ever change that. But I did not teach you to use people. When we moved from Wisconsin down here, I made plans. I saved enough money to rent the u-haul, to have rent for 3-4 months to give me time to find a job and to live on. It took six months, but I did it without asking anyone for help. When I found out I have emphysema and had no car and could hardly carry groceries up the hill because I was having a hard time breathing, Chris told me to give my bags to him. You told him not to do it and not to feel sorry for me because it was my own fault for getting emphysema. THAT HURT. You have spent your whole life trying to hurt me, but when you need help all of a sudden I turn into "mommy". I worked two jobs to give you boys a nice luxury apartment to live in and while I'm at work you and your friends break into my storage locker and steal from me. You terrorized Chris's friend in Chippewa because he was disabled and criticized Chris for hanging around with a 'retard'. The little boys mother calls me on the phone to tell me her son is terrified of you and she can't let him come to our house anymore. THAT HURT. You stopped a cop in Chippewa to tell him that your mother had sexual aids in her bedroom. That was done only for the purpose of embarrassing me. When you ripped the bedroom screen out of the window I knew it was time to get help and turned you into the police. In court you didn't want to talk about what you had done, you wanted to tell the judge how badly I had been abusing you. He asked you what I had done to abuse you and you told him that I made you take out the garbage and clean your room. THAT WAS DONE TO EMBARRASS ME. The judge ordered us to get family counseling. You went, what, once or twice, and then refused to go anymore. Chris and I kept going and finally the counselor said that the problem couldn't be solved without your presence there... Ken and I tried to help you. When you asked if you and that girl (Crystal's cousin) and her baby could live with us, we said yes on the condition that you got off drugs and got your g.e.d. You made that promise and then shit on both us and that girl. When you wanted to come back from Minnesota we made conditions again....get your g.e.d., get a job, get your driver's license. Promise made and once you got here the promise went right out the window. In Kansas the second time we tried to help you get into a treatment program, you were interested in mechanics and told you if you got your g.e.d. we would help you get into mechanics school. There's always one element missing. People want to help you, but you don't want to help yourself. You expect everyone else to give, give, give, because we are "family". "Family" does not tell other family members to fuck off, lose my number, lose my address, I never want to hear from you again"... I will help anyone (even your friend, Ramone, remember?) as long as they put an effort into helping themselves. You are 28 years old now. You should be out mowing your own backyard and paying off a mortgage. You told me you are off the drugs. What a lie. In the next breath you tell me you are getting pain killers illegally. All you did was switch your drug of choice; you are still addicted. Ken bought you a t.v. for Christmas one year, you say you left it in Ohio, I think you pawned it. We gave you a nice coffee table and pots and pans and other stuff when you were with Rachel. Where's that stuff? All you have is the clothes off your back; that is so very sad and my heart breaks knowing that. I love you, I do want to help you help yourself but you are basically calling me a liar because I don't have the money to buy your tickets. I want to see you and wanted to have a nice visit, but how can that be when you get angry because we are broke. Am I only "mommy" when I have money? Is that all I'm good for? There is absolutely no room to even walk around this house, like I explained to you, but In my heart I had to see you and had to find a way to make room for you two, no matter how small. The only spare bedroom is packed full of boxes and furniture. I have been working for three days trying to clear one little space to put the roll-away bed down for you. WE ARE BROKE, yet, I've been trying to rack my brain to find a way to get a little bit of money so we could take you two out for at least one nice dinner while you are here. I simply don't understand how you get the notion to think we are rich. I love you, I want to see you, but if you ever say that I love Shelley or Chris more than you, I will slap you. I went through hell trying to turn you into a decent adult and you fought me all the way. I always heard that you didn't have to listen to me and that I was crazy. Bullshit.. YOU'VE EMBARRASSED ME PUBLICLY, YOU'VE HURT ME EMOTIONALLY, YET I STILL LOVE YOU. I am financially unable to help anyone at this time, it's not just you. Those things I told you I bought for Shelley for Christmas, I charged with my target card and only last month finally got it paid off. Chris has pulled a lot of shit, too, I haven't forgotten that, but he has pulled himself up and is trying his hardest to make a good life for his daughter. It has been years since we helped him with anything financially. If you guys want to locate to Springfield after you are done taking care of Kathy's grandma, I will do anything I can to help you. The key words being "anything I can". There are some things I just can't do anymore. I have some furniture and dishes I can give you, I can help you look for an apartment and job, things like that. Just once it would be nice for you to show up and say "mom, what can I do to help you?" I've had horrible thoughts that if Ken should die that I will have to be put into a nursing home because I have no one to help me with day to day things. I haven't driven a car in over two years because of my back, so I won't even be able to go to the grocery store. I'm terribly sorry that you feel you have to judge people by how much money they give you. I surely didn't raise you to think that way.I do love you, I want a pleasant visit, and I want you to come home for holidays. I also want your love but I can't afford to pay for it. sorry.Love,Mom"

I fully expected another "fuck off" email, but he surprised the hell out of me by replying that he was sorry, I was right, and he would pay for the tickets himself. I was totally shocked.